The story behind it…
A year ago, I broke up with a cheat/narcissist/manipulator. It took a long while to recover from all the psychological damage, but here I am today, better than I’ve been in well over a year. Something I appreciate so much about being an artist is that I’m able to feel things deeply, and then use them to create something beautiful. So here is my latest release, ‘Not Sorry’.
I didn’t want this to be a breakup song, nor a pity song for myself. I had already suffered and grieved so much, I didn’t want this song to make a narcissist’s head swell up. I wrote this song to touch on the stupidity of the relationship, but also to remind myself that at heart, despite so many failures, I still believe in love and healthy relationships.
For a cheat, he wasn’t very bright. All he could hide behind was his business and poor communication skills. He said many ridiculous things over the course of our relationship, but one thing that really hit a nerve was ‘you’re a trophy’. Maybe some women would think it’s cute? But that phrase implies so many toxic things. That’s a conversation for another day.
I struggled for months with anger, rage, hate, then pity, sadness, grief, and self-confidence. My thoughts were spiralling down a rabbit hole of darkness and wonder. So many questions! So many inconsistencies that literally had me questioning myself to a point that I couldn’t tell if I was having an anxiety attack or literally going crazy. So I started to write.
‘Some people want you just for show
Be an arm candy, and high fives with the bros
But I’m more than a body or something to hold
I’m a woman to value
Turning silver to gold
I never felt so alone in somebody’s bed
Questioning everything they’ve said
Somehow you feel like you don’t belong’
One of the worst feelings I experienced through this was going to bed wondering if I even mattered to him. And THAT ladies and gentlemen won’t be something I’ll allow again!. The thing is, narcissists are excellent manipulators. The manipulation can be so subtle that we don’t even realize how it’s infiltrating our minds. Frequently, we don’t see it all until we’re neck deep into it.
I was very fortunate to come across psychologist Dr. Ramani on Youtube. Her videos brought so much insight on how narcissists behave and how victims feel. I found a great deal of healing from having my experience and feelings validated. I had to start looking inward again to really heal. So my producer and I continued to write:
‘I’m not sorry for believing in love
The patience and the sadness needed to grow
If every laugh we had were sealed with a kiss
It’d be a joy only we would know
I’m not sorry for believing in love
It’s filled with pain and beauty for a lifetime
But if you have no impression of me
Only memories, nothing else you will see’
Some people would think you’re something to acquire
And you’re there to fulfill their selfish desires
But what if a dream really could come true
Would you wanna be with someone crazy like you’
Narcissism is a mental health condition. I wish people like this would get treatment or want to be better people, but obviously that’s not my choice to make. Like anything, there’s parts of things that are good, and parts that are bad. I guess in the period of sadness, I missed a lot of the really good things. And so the next lyrics:
‘If every song replayed a part of our story
I would rewrite every song about you
‘Cause every memory is vivid
Were they all in vain
If I could just fall right into you’
All in all, writing this song was like a mini rant for myself. A classy way to express the bad, but also the hope for what’s ahead. For anyone reading this that might find themselves with a toxic partner, a narcissist, someone neglecting mental health and inflicting pain and abuse, I encourage you to seek help from loved ones and professionals. Although it may seem unlikely for an escape, you’re life doesn’t need to look this dark. Better awaits you if you should choose to have it.